By Tony + Andrew, 4TB’s College Correspondents
Living in a house that reeks of stale beer and three day old pizza you really take advantage when you can just sit down and shoot the bull over a lot of ice cold, refreshing Busch beers with your housemates. During our “business meetings” we solve the world’s most pressing issues. This week we tackled the biggest threat to America today which is the destruction of Major League Baseball.
Mr. Trump when this article hits your desk please for the love of God put Rob Manfred on the no fly list, the FBIs most wanted list, hell, bar him from Happy Hours nationwide. This aggression won’t stand man! A pitch clock? What do you think you’re fuckin’ with here man? Why don’t you just make tallboys at the ballgame 10 dollars apiece? Oh wait that’s already jacked up too. Ratings are down, young men would rather sit inside and rip their Juuls than hit dingers with their boys. Andrew aka “Hotrod” and I will suggest four changes the game should make for the 2018 season.
First of all Baseball is our religion and our church is at the corner of Carnegie and Ontario. Hotrod and I have a sworn rivalry against turning on our air conditioning at our palace on Warrensville. Our saving grace while coping with the Sunday Scaries was taking in an afternoon Tribe game on the front porch and sweating out all the booze from the weekend by putting more beer into our bodies. Actually I’m not fooling anyone we were bonging them after every Indians run. Anyways lets fix this disaster that is coming. Mr. Manfred step aside and let the men make the decisions.
1. Let the juice flow- Don’t just allow rampant steroid use, encourage it! Why can’t I drink overpriced suds and watch meatheads hit 500 foot bombs. Hell give them aluminum bats I want 15-13 finals.
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2. Have showgirls walk around the base paths to let the fans know what inning it is. Why do you think people watch boxing? Listen, grown men go to games to get away from the Mrs. Give them something to look at for Christ sake
3. The most unpatriotic thing about Baseball is why can’t fans rip heaters in the stands? Listen I don’t smoke but I don’t got anything against them! Most stadiums were built on the backs of smokers and drinkers through the sin tax. Didn’t ya know America beat the redcoats based on taxation without representation? Like what the hell sorry your little Johnny can’t handle a little smoke, I know damn well he’ll be the kid in college screaming CIGS INSIDE!
4. Make Doug Fister the commissioner and retire his jersey league wide.
Meet the Authors:
College Tony- Self-proclaimed king of all Dive Bars and expert on all things Busch beer. When asked about his waistline his reply was “I like to think I am in the meaty part of the bell curve.”
Andrew Vegas- The man, the myth and the mostly legend. Notorious for closing down the bar on Monday nights and can give any girl the best 13 seconds of her life.