By Shawn Shawn, Season Ticket Holder
Alright its been a crazy offseason for the Cleveland Browns and it seems that everyone has a prediction for their record this upcoming season, it’s time for me to give mine. I know expectations are high because we signed the greatest wide receiver ever in the history of football but I think it’s important to stay realistic when it comes to predictions and not just assume the browns will go undefeated and win the superbowl. Sure what you’re about to read is entirely opinion based, but as a browns season ticket holder my opinion means more than most. So here goes.
Game 1: Tennessee Titans.
A home opener against a good, but not great team. Thanks for teeing this one up for us Commish. The browns are notoriously better their first game at home than they are the entire season. Ask Pittsburgh’s stupid asses that Tied us when we had our backup QB in the entire game last year. The only thing that can stop the browns from winning this game is if Hue Jackson gets called in to be the guest play caller.
Expert prediction: Browns 28 Titans 7
Game 2: New York Jets
Everyone remembers that one fateful Thursday night in Cleveland, the Thursday night that changed everything for the Browns organization, everyone including Baker Mayfield. He has the Jets number, he hates Sam Darnold, and for good reason, have you ever seen Sam Darnold? Baker hates that anyone ever thought that loser should have been the number one pick and he is going to continue to show that every time they play. Browns could play this game with 9 players on offense and still win.
Expert prediction: Browns 42 Jets 17
Game 3: LA Rams
Let’s forget about the team they are playing for a second, this is the prime-time Sunday night game IN CLEVELAND, I’m not so much worried about the Rams as I am my own personal health. I’m supposed to tailgate for 12 hours and walk into that stadium like everything is normal? Sure I think I’m pretty above avergage when it comes to throwing back some adult beverages but I’m still human. “Well Shawn the game starts later so just start your tailgate later” fuck off, I’m a creature of habit and we start at 8 A.M sharp.
Moving on, this will be the first real test for Cleveland. LA is coming off a second place finish in the super bowl last year and they will be looking to get back again and not blow it this time. That being said I can’t get past the fact that Jared Goff looks like a potato and I refuse to believe he is a good NFL Qb
Expert prediction: Browns 35 Rams 28
Game 4: Baltimore Ravens
As much as it pains me to say this, the ravens are a good football team. They run a unique offense centered around a running back disguised as the quarterback, the defense will be good until Terrell Suggs retires and that dinosaur may never retire. So I don’t think there is any question that this is the Browns biggest competition in the AFC North however I’ve never been one to doubt first year coaches and I’m not about to start now with Mr. Kitchens, he’ll have the boys ready.
Expert prediction: Browns 23 Ravens 17
Week 5: San Francisco 49ers
It’s as if the NFL wants the Browns to lose football games with the way this schedule was set up, back to back away games on the opposite side of the country? Shame on you Mr. Goodell. But no fear, the browns are playing the team with the worst name in the NFL. “ The 49ers” are not a team Cleveland can lose to, just ask my boy Johnny football who smashed them a couple years ago while he was high as a kite. Some dumb people named Joe Thomas, former tackle and losingest player in Cleveland browns history say this is a trap game that the browns will lose, to them I say, of course you think they will lose all you did was lose Joe now go away.
Expert prediction: Browns 48 – 49ers 34
Week 6: Seahawks
Seattle was really good like 19 years ago back when Richard Sherman could cover people and Marshawn Lynch wasn’t retired. Now Shermans a 49er and Marshawn is a soon to be convicted felon. Russel Wilson can’t save this team. They are still tough at home, but the good news for the Browns is these old fuckers have to come to Cleveland. No chance.
Expert prediction: Browns 28 Seahawks 10
Game 7: Patriots
Defending Super Bowl Champions, fucking shoot me, I’m so sick of saying that about the Patriots. Tom Brady aside from mouth kissing his 15 year old son does nothing but study film and sit in a cryogenic chamber just freezing his old body until football season. Bill Belichek is the best coach in the NFL there is no denying that and his team will be prepared to show what level it takes to be super bowl champs when the Browns come to town. This will most definitely be a statement game for the Pats
Expert prediction: Browns 28 Patriots 24
Game 8: Denver Broncos
Baker owns the Broncos, I hope we play them every year until no one remembers “The Drive” or “The Fumble”. Cleveland deserves to make the Broncos cry at least once a year while Baker is playing. It will be no different from last year. Browns win easily. Elway cries.
Expert prediction: Browns 35 Broncos 14
Game 9: Bills.
I feel for Bills fans, I respect Bills Mafia. I think they are on the right track as far as getting back to being a relevant football team. Hell, last year we were in the same boat. But we got Odell you losers and now we are nothing a like, Enjoy mediocrity you peasants!
Expert prediction: Browns 52 Bills 21
Game 10: Steelers
Steelers, the most hated team in northeast Ohio, I’m really looking forward to this game. A worthless franchise that lets their number one receiver and their star running back just up and leave, all while extending an old, “allegedly” racist QB. It makes you wonder if they are more worried about winning football games or trying to save Big Bens career and get him into the HOF. With all that being said they are still fairly talented and well coached and not to be taken lightly, luckily I think home field advantage takes over in this one.
Expert prediction : Browns 47 Steelers 38
Game 11: Dolphins
Expert prediction: Browns 42 Dolphins 0
Game 12: Steelers
After being embarrassed by the Browns in Primetime the Steelers will have a lot of motivation in this game. I believe the Steelers are talented enough to make this game ugly, after losing away and with the Browns coming off a blowout win against Miami this is a trap game and a game that Baker and the boys cannot take lightly. Pittsburgh has enough veterans with enough pride to want to embarrass Cleveland and they do have the talent to do so. Browns take a small hit in this one.
Expert prediction: Browns 17 Steelers 2
Game 13: Bengals
The bengals are bad at football. I think they should be taken off the schedule.
Expert prediction: Browns 45 Bengals 0
Game 14: Arizona Cardinals
This game will be fun for one reason, Baker Vs Kyler. Two former Oklahoma QBs, two former Heisman trophy winners and two former first round picks going at it. I, however, don’t think Kyler will be starting this game when the browns come to Arizona. I think by this time Kyler Murray will have been sat for the season, the Cardinals protecting there very small and fragile investment. With or without Kyler the Cardinals just are not a good football team yet. Browns roll.
Expert Prediction: Browns 49 Cardinals 17
Game 15: Baltimore Ravens
By now the Browns have locked up the AFC North and the Ravens are most likely playing for a wild card birth. This is going to be one of the toughest games of the season based solely on that. But you know what else will be happening at this point in the season? Baker will be trying to break Mannings touchdown passes in a season record, and Odell will be trying to break the receiving touchdown record held by Moss. They both get it done with a game to spare.
Expert prediction: Browns 30 Ravens 21
Game 16: Cincinnati Bengals
The battle of Ohio has been a joke this year, the Browns have locked up the best record in football and the bengals have locked up a top 5 pick in next years draft. This game is a forgone conclusion, the Browns stomp these bums without breaking a sweat. The problem is Freddie Kitchens doesn’t care about finishing the season undefeated, he cares more about finishing the season with the Super Bowl. So the Browns rest all of their starters, and while I believe the JV browns are still better than this trash ass bengals team, the league just doesn’t want to see a perfect record. With the help of the Refs, and the Browns 4thstring squad, the Bengals take this one.
Expert prediction: Browns 0 Bengals 3
So there you have it, the Browns are going 15-1. I would talk about the playoffs and the SuperBowl in this blog as well but lets not get ahead of ourselves, with all of this hype surrounding the team its easy to get irrational. You’ll see none of that nonsense here.